5-Hour Energy Grape

Jason's Review


The other day at Staples, as I glared with contempt at a $3 price tag, it occurred to me that I hadn't reviewed an overpriced 5-hour energy shot in almost 2.5 years. At first, I thought, what's there to say? They're pretty much all the same: acceptably effective, drinkable, with a slight post-vomit aftertaste, and as overpriced and overrated as a Bruce Springsteen concert.

Then I realized, while it doesn't do the consumer any good, energy enthusiasts know it's mediocre and overpriced, and average-Joe-third-shift-truck-driver-EMT-everyman swears by it (despite 100+ knock-offs, dare I say, "replicas", being 1/3 of the price). We're not convincing anyone, and after several years of being subjected to HD-home-camcorder-quality commercials about "2:30 feelings", we're certainly not presenting a new product to our readers.

What we are doing is boosting our search engine rankings for 5-hour energy. It's free traffic. Why not? For some time, we outranked the manufacturer on Google for their own product. So, the more I say things like, "Does 5-hour energy really work?", "What's in 5-hour energy?", "Will 5-hour energy keep me awake while I cram for exams?", the more people will find us looking for answers to those questions.

Firstly, since you're here, probably from Google, I'll answer those questions. Sure, 5-hour energy works. Does it work any better than other energy shots with a nominal smattering of caffeine that's loaded with B-vitamins? No. It's almost exactly the same as anything else that comes in a bottle shaped like 5-hour energy. As for what's in it, well, some caffeine (energyfiend.com lists 5-hour energy, at 138mg, which would be in line with their claims of "as much caffeine as in 12 oz. of premium coffee") and a load of B-Vitamins, which are related to metabolism, which is why we (as non-medical experts) recommend eating before taking any B-Vitamin complex supplement. As for cramming for exams, you should have studied throughout the semester instead of chasing tail. No worries though, you're parents will keep footing the bill for your failures until your adolescence ends at 28, it's the new era of American entitlement.

Personally, I think the grape flavor is the least offensive of the lot, so far. It's a little like grape Dimetapp, but not quite as good. I do still find myself shuttering at the unpleasant acidic tingle of the initial taste, and waiting out the 15 minute lingering aftertaste left by the mountain of sucralose.

Stig's Review
After a warm reception to the Monster Rehab Rojo tea review, Jason asked me back to review another of the products her refers to as "overpriced energy for the masses". I don't know what his problem is, I think he just hates anything that's popular. I'd seen a lot of commercials for 5-hour energy, but I thought it was for people who were super cereal about energy. The commercials look like infomercials, and anything I've every bought from an infomercial, except the swivel sweeper and oxi-clean were junk. OK, the magic bullet was ok, but how many times a week do I need to eat fresh salsa?

I guess energy drinks, to me, are like sodas with a little more kick. I didn't really have a place for a product like 5-hour energy. 1.93 Fl. Oz. certainly isn't going to quench my thirst. Additionally, Jason had mentioned that some people don't find the taste particularly pleasant. I couldn't imagine, anyone really wanting to buy this, unless it really works.

So, I tasted it. Immediately, I inspected the inside of the bottle to ensure nothing had become trapped and died, and a rotting corpse might account for the detestable flavor. I then checked with Jason to see if the "not particularly pleasant flavor" he referenced was anything like unappeasable pestilence. Who would drink this stuff? Better question, who would pay $3 for it?

I managed to choke it down, so I could report if 5-hour energy works. It's pretty good, I stayed awake just fine, but then, I wasn't particularly tired to begin with. I couldn't really tell that much difference, but it seems like that's their selling point, no jitters or sugar high, just smooth, wide-awake energy. Maybe they should call it "Feel Normal for 5 Hours", because that's more what it's like. Energy drinks usually make me hyper, 5-hour energy doesn't do that.
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